Welcome to my thoughts on CoParenting….7 years on

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If you’ve found yourself here, I’m hoping that you are looking for ways to co-parent well. Not only for your own sanity and heart space, but primarily for the emotional health and wellbeing of your children.

I think we might all agree that the separation of a family unit is one of the most difficult life experiences to navigate – both logistically and emotionally. In my own personal experience, and that of close friends, it is never a quick, spontaneous decision. It is usually a long time coming, someone is often blind sided and it is primarily the driving decision of one of the parties.

It is rarely amicable, infrequently mutual and often full of confusion, heartbreak and fear of the future – both for yourself and your children. And that’s just the ‘before’ you separate! The post separation experience is the tangible reality of all your prior thoughts.

It is hands down one of the most emotionally exhausting experiences you will ever face – for both parties. The leaver and the one left behind. But, there is hope. Time does heal and things do work themselves out, eventually. With love, grace and patience.

I’ve created this blog to share both my personal (active co-parent) and professional (family law legal) experience and thoughts on co-parenting and solo parenting in the hope that it will help create healthy, and ideally thriving family structures and relationships. The only area I won’t touch on is blending families as I am yet to experience it. (Hopeful for that season in the future!). You can find the active blog posts by clicking here or in the menu at the top of the page under Co-Parenting blog.

Let me leave you with some of my overarching thoughts on co-parenting well. Please understand that I am never talking at you and there is never any judgement from me. We have all walked different paths and have experienced completely different scenarios leading to the places we have found ourselves in today.

(I think it’s important to clarify that this blog is primarily for co-parents who are both actively participating in the raising of their children. It would be unwise for me to cover all of the variant forms of co-parenting relationships as I am not willing to assume how to best parent in areas I have had no exposure to – absent parent single parenting or co-parenting with any form of abusive co-parent. My thoughts have been drawn from my personal 7 year co-parenting journey after 14 years of marriage. My children have two loving parents taking an active and equal responsibility in their upbringing. I hope that helps to understand the context of my writing, especially with any advice or tips that I share.)

Co-parenting food for thought:

– Your ex partner is not your child/children’s ex parent. They are still their current mum or dad. Not ex mum or ex dad. You have separated from your partner, they have not separated from their parent. You are all still family to them, the logistical structure just looks and operates very differently for them now.

– They are the flesh and blood of your ex partner. An insult about their mum/dad is an insult to them as they are biologically and inherently an intimate part of one another. They care for the parent you are making a derogatory comment about and it hurts them, regardless of whether it is substantiated or not. Please remember this.

– Your feelings toward your ex partner are not their feelings. They have a different relationship, set of emotions and past experience with their other parent. It is unwise to try and convince your children to share the same feelings and view of their other parent as you do if they are in a good, healthy relationship with them. It is a totally different relationship and should be left to develop its own positive journey and path. This, at its worst is called ‘Parent Alienation’ and is classified as a form of child abuse. Recent Family Court proceedings in Australia have removed children from parents due to parent alienation posing ‘risk of harm’ to the development of a ‘meaningful relationship’ with the other parent so this is a serious matter. You can read more about this on my blog post Parent Alienation.

– Please don’t make your children your emotional sounding board for feelings about their other parent. I encourage you to process your feelings of grief, heartache or resentment with a professional counsellor or a close friend when the children are not at home. Children are not counsellors for adults. They are not mature enough to process adult emotions nor carry them. It is unfair to burden them with a weight they cannot bear. Doing this lacks wisdom, maturity and emotional intelligence.

– You are not expected to love or like your ex partner – that is a completely personal choice but for the benefit of your children, I want to encourage you to learn how to ensure that they think (preferably know) there is a basic respect for the other parent (as a parent) on a fundamental level. If children feel or know there is conflict, they grieve. Grief is the root of emotional distress and avoiding as much distress as you can in an already difficult situation for them is the most loving and mature gift you can give them.

– Please remember this: When it comes to unfaithfulness in a committed relationship, your personal history with your ex partner is not their personal history with their parent. It was experienced by you and to you, not by them or to them. Your sadness is not their sadness. Please don’t burden them with the grief of unfaithfulness and intentionally taint their view of the other parent. They can form their own view and perspective as an adult in the individual relationship with that parent later in life when they are emotionally mature enough to process it.

– Negatively reacting to hearing about positive experiences they have had with their other parent creates pain and confusion for your child/children. They are simply telling you about their day and are not expecting you to react negatively or emotionally. Maturity whilst simultaneously experiencing personal pain is the challenge of healthy co parenting. Keeping what is your wound as your wound and not then making it your children’s wound is the ultimate co-parenting goal to move towards and successfully achieve.

I hope some, (if not all) of the above resonated with you. My intention is not to offend those of you who have different experiences/views/thoughts/feelings. I am intentionally going to write from a place of authenticity and share the real life wisdom gained from my personal and professional experience on what I know (not just think) has worked. The proof is in the healthy separated family unit we have. Our children are emotionally healthy, well adjusted, extremely loved kids who are thriving in every area of life. We co-parent well which is a rare scenario so I genuinely hope my experience can help you to also co-parent well.

Feel free to reach out to me on any of my personal social media platforms. I will try my best to answer any of your questions and would love to hear your personal stories if you are brave enough to share. You are also welcome to share any of the blog posts via the social media buttons listed at the end of each post, especially if you think it will help someone you know or care about. They have been designed to share the wisdom for those who need it.

I encourage you to keep your heart open, operate from a place of humility and strength, embrace authenticity and vulnerability, and always love deeply.

Leigh x